Real True Friendships beyond cultural boundries

One of the many things I love about life is a beautiful friendship. Ever since I was a little girl, friends have been really important part of my life. I worship Friendship and it's my religion. But I was never really lucky with finding real true friends back in my own country. It was ALL about competition who got the No #1 prize at school. The school system over there gives top 10 students of the whole school prizes with an annual ceremony.

Well another chapter of my life, I came to U.S. for college. I found so many amazing people from all over the world. We did have cultural differences and language barriers but the friendship went beyond all those. And I met my BEST friend in my junior year. I would never thought we would be besties. He was annoyingly good looking, funny and smart but just wanted to hook up with every moving thing on campus. ( hehe RT, sorry for my awesome commercial about you!) I was too tiny to get his attention when we first met.

We became friends because he had to wait for me when we all had lunch together. I'm always a slow eater. Everyone left the table and I would still be chewing :) But within very short period, we became VERY CLOSE friends. We hanged out EVERY SINGLE DAY. He knocked my dorm room every afternoon after he finished studying. We'd be just laughing for HOURS in my room. ( some of my neighbors thought that we were having sex. :) ) And he wasn't just a fair-weather friend. Although I am almost always happy, I do have my down time. He WAS there for my down time. Well the only sad thing was that he was there only for a semester. I didn't think that our friendship would continue when we are apart. People get out of touch and it's normal. But we have been in touch ALL ALONG. Our friendship is REALLY true and real. We live across the continents - he lives in Brazil. All these years, we only reunited this summer for once. It was really like seeing a family. We were both SO HAPPY.

And a year ago or so, I met this really super awesome girl, AS, at work. I'd never thought she'd be my real friend either :) We had some train rides together and once she said ''I LOVE being single." I've never seen another female creature who's so happy being single. She is also from another continent of the world but the great thing is that she's still around. I think this will be also a lifetime friendship. And luckily, for the time being, we both love New York so much. We have great appetite for life and very similar ideals about love and friendship. Most important thing is that we have mutual trust in our friendship - even after we've gone thru unintentional hurtful things we said/did to each other, we'd always know that we are in the same side and want the best for each other.

It was kind of almost SO HARD to believe for me and trust in our friendship because in my experience with female friends back home, there are only two kinds of friends.
1. competitive friends ( who want to be close b/c you are the enemy in fact.)
2. butterfly friends ( who only want to be friends when they are single.)
I got hurt so many times. So becoming closer and closer with AS made me nervous many times. But now I've passed all those. I think she is my very FIRST closest female friend. We already said I LOVE you to each other and we mean it. :) VERY BEAUTIFUL thing.......

Friends with Ex?

When someone said “I love you’’, have you ever said ‘please don’t’? For Burmese people and most people here, once you broke up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, you just cut out all the communications.

When I broke up with my 3 years boyfriend, I wanted to end it in very good terms. I wanted to be friends with him although I was really unhappy as his girlfriend. But the same time, I didn’t want him to be attached to me and didn't want to give him false hopes. He is really a great guy, the most intelligent and well-read guy I’ve ever known for his age. He’s a Princeton alum. Then, I started seeing someone just right before we broke up ( yeah I’m bad.)

Although I broke up with him, it was unbearable to see him in full of pain. So I sort of ended up continue seeing him while also seeing the new guy. I thought he would gradually get over me. And I was taking advantage of freedom of single life.

We broke up 2 years ago but my ex never really disappeared from my life. Some times, I did try to cut contact because I didn’t want him to be attached to me and not move on. Now that I think he’s very assured that I’ll never go back to him, I decided to be friends with him again. But whenever we hang out, he still treats me like we are still together and tells me he loves me. I told him ‘please don’t’.

It sounds awful but friendship is my religion and I really don’t want to abandon him from my life. I don’t have any romantic feelings and will never have them for sure. But our intellectual connection is really strong. I know that I don’t need him but I also don’t think I need to abandon him….

Now I wonder if this makes me afraid or wary of serious dating. I do have crushes on people every now and then. But I never want to date anyone seriously since after that serious relationship......

Change of Life!!

I'm a pretty simple creature. I do not own many things. I believe in minimalism and mostly buy things that are absolutely necessary. Most of my $$ goes to rent, dinning out and other social activities.

I did not have a cell phone until junior year in college when it got harder to not have a cell phone. I thought it would take me a longer time until I need a smart phone like everyone does. After recent frustrations with juggling things within very short time frame, I finally decided to acquire a smart phone!

I can't believe how this little device has changed my life! I wake up and before I can barely open my eyes, I start browsing news headlines on my phone. With my computer, I would have to open, get wireless connected, then go to browser, open my emails. With this little one, everything is just literally on my finger tip!!

Then I have my calendar and it will be sending me the remainders about today appointments, events etc. I will never have to call some friends to give me directions in the middle of the road. I frequently use dictionary. I like to know exact dictionary meanings of certain words. A lot of people "understand" words but when you ask them, they cannot always give you great, relevant examples. I now have Webster right on top of all other apps on my phone!

Instant access to my emails! which is great because I now have multiple assignments due and have been communicating heavily with my classmates and professors through emails. And I can have other entertainments such as netflix, youtube and facebook!

Yes, I'm loving it!

Importance of Healthy Mind

Most of us live in a life full of pressure, multiple deadlines, hassles and frustrations. I did mention before how I love living under pressure and living on the edge. But when your mind is constantly in an emergency mood, it reaches close to its limits and has to pay the price. Constantly stressful and exhausted mind can no longer help you perform under pressure and motivate you.

I've been exploiting both my body and mind so much. I do a zillion of things each week:
1. work that takes more than 50% of my energy as solving problems constantly while juggling to meet deadlines.
2. school - 2 or 3 assignments due each week, reading, group projects, research, news
3. job hunt - not much done lately
4.socializing - I do go out a lot- seeing friends, meeting new people etc. there are ALWAYS full of events and invites!
5. blogging - I love writing. So what can I do? Only less than half I wrote were posted on my blog:)
6. And lots of other non-productive activities - browsing internet, looking up news, facebook, emails, texting, eating, sleeping, thinking :)
7. swimming & running
8. other small personal errands

With all these things non-stop going on, before I noticed my stressful mind, I first noticed my MESSY room. It was awful just to even step into my room. All my clothes kept piling up on my bed. Lots of things were spread on my desk, chair, fridge, table. A lot of shoes, some boxes and trash were on the floor. Uncleaned dishes were also kept in the room and my mini-fridge. My washed clothes were still in laundry basket that no where to keep my unwashed clothes.
It was so OVERWHELMING just to think about cleaning that room. But I finally managed to pull myself together to clean the room.

Then I realized how all these so many things piled up in my mind and found myself very overwhelmed. Besides those regular things, I've got many more things came in my way- booking a trip home, registration for next semester, preparation for traveling, visa, gift shopping etc.

My mind started saying NO to everything I command. I need to study, read, think but the mind just stops working. I don't find myself very energetic, excited and hyper as I usually am. I suspect it is going to take a lot more than cleaning my room.

But I have a plan.
#1. Sleep
2. start working little by little on my very long to-do list

I think as in physical health, you don't value how important it is to have a healthy mind. I think it is very important to treat your mind very well as much as you treat your body. Everything has a limit it can take.

Learning about leadership

Being a leader is not an easy thing. People often take it as a nice title and fail to recognize the pressure, responsibilities and accountability that come with the nice title. There is a recent drama at work. My team leader just disappeared completely since last Tuesday and he is still MIA. From the experience we had with him, we do not believe that he was hit by a car or anything. He just vanished because he could no longer deal with all the stress and pressure.

I also contributed some pressure on him. I work 4 days a week for a full-time position. So someone always has to fill my gap. Since he was a team leader, he was responsible for filling that gap. But there were always problems and mistakes whenever I was off. I hate fixing stupid mistakes because they are waste of my time as I could be doing something more rewarding. I hate even more when mistakes don't get fixed right away. He did offer to help fixing them but from the experience, I learned that it could take him days to fix them while I could fix them in a few hours.

When I get irritated, I can't pretend and sugarcoat. I really showed how disappointed I was with him not being able to be accountable. Although he's my supervisor and I'd been a bitch and control freak, he couldn't do anything with me. Although I work there part-time, I give 100% there when I'm at work. I always offer help to my other coworkers when they are overloaded. I care more about overall outcome and look at the bigger picture. So everybody else really like me - from the owners to team members and other people from other departments.

Once I got a text at 10 pm on Friday night.I had to log in from home and fixed a big problem at midnight. After the damage control, I got grumpy and emailed the owner, manager including him. No one even bothered to ask him to fix that because they knew he couldn't. Difference between him and me, I expressed my emotions ( I know it's not very nice) but he hid all those. He would always respond ''Don't worry, Moe- everything is fine."

He never expressed that he had been overloaded and over-stressed. But the problem is that things didn't get done. He did not delegate nor seek help. A leader can't do everything in his/her own and a leader is not even supposed to do everything. But a leader needs to make sure things get done in most efficient manner by delegating the right assignments to the right people and managing the team workflow. When things don't get done in his team, the leader needs to recognize and address the problems and seek outside support and help. I think some leaders are afraid to admit that they are having problems because it will make them look bad.

Burmese junta regime has been always like that for 50 years. Unlike most Burmese inside and outside the country, I do not believe that Burmese regime is cruel and intentionally doing bad things to the country. The problem is that the members of that military organization are incompetent in managing the economy and the whole country. And their ego did not let them to admit it. It's quite understandable for them to be incompetent because they are just soldiers. They try to rule the country themselves without getting any expertise support and help with managing economy and other complex matters of ruling the country. Of course, they failed. Well I do not want to talk about the whole Burmese politics here. It will be endless....

For my team leader, the problem was not his incompetency because I understand that he is relatively new and still in the process of learning. My major disappointment was for him not overseeing to make sure things get done. The main thing I learned about leadership here is that being a good leader does not mean being competent and taking everything under his/her control. Being a good leader means recognizing the problems in good timing and seeking external support to fix the problems. Seeking external support and delegating do not make the leader look bad. The leader only looks bad when he/she fails to empower the team by delegating and to seek outside expertise support when needed.

Nice and Warm Thanksgiving

This whole thanksgiving weekend has been so beautiful here in NY. It's nice and warm about 15-18 C. I had a lovely thanksgiving evening with some awesome people. A friend of mine invited me to their thanksgiving party. Her friend hosted at his place in Williamsburg. It was an awesome group of people - very nice, kind, good looking, intelligent young people. We are all about the same age. Some of them are from Minnesota and some are from Texas and there are also two Germans. So it was interesting mix of people.

We had some email exchange beforehand planning the menu who's bringing what. We all brought one or two dishes. I made my very FIRST pumpkin pie and green bean casserole!! They turned out delicious! I used to be critical of American cooking and thought it was so lame. But although I'm known to be a great cook, due to my own unfamiliarity of cooking methods and ingredients, even those simple things gave me quite an unexpected sweats that morning. But they all turned out great.

I arrived there around 3 pm and we all started preparing things for our feast. Some of us were cutting turkey to pieces, someone making the gravy, someone making ice-cream (yeah we had homemade vanilla ice-cream!), someone making pie. It was quite fun at the kitchen. Good thing that it was a big kitchen. We were all crowded there.

Everyone brought tremendous amount of food! I LOVE seeing a lot of food so it was very entertaining for me not only to see it but also to eat a lot of it! :). So our menu had -
-traditional whole roasted turkey
- zucchini and sausage stuffing
-two kinds of mash sweet potatoes
-my green bean casserole
-goat cheese tart
-real Russian beet salad (made by a Russian)
-sauteed broccoli
-cranberry sauce and gravy

For desserts, we had three different pies - my homemade pumpkin pie, sweet potato pie, apple blueberry pie and homemade vanilla ice-cream. YUM!!

After the delicious feast, we hanged out there and chatted. Then we cleaned up doing all the dishes etc. After we cleaned up, we started playing 'Taboo". I really suck at that game. After 8 years in U.S., it's still hard for me to describe words in a few seconds. We divided two teams- boys and girls. 3 guys and 3 girls. But since the other two girls were very good, we won!

I have been so lucky with meeting great people here in U.S., both in CO and now in NY as well. I can't be more thankful for that. So although I don't have a family here, I had a wonderful thanksgiving after all.

Cold inside and out

This is the time of the year here in the U.S that the weather is pretty cold outside but it is quite warm inside not because of radiators but because of family and loved ones. Most of the families get together either or both during thanksgiving and X-mas.

I had misunderstanding about family ties in this culture. I used to think that people here are so independent that they are not supposed to have a close family tie. It's not true at all. I remember some of my international friends criticizing when they saw all those families around college campus during freshman year orientation, homecoming etc. I myself also thought that to be independent you have to cut your family ties. I just realized that being independent and loving/caring your family are two separate things but not the opposite things - they can coexist together.

All my life, I've been trying so hard to loose my family tie. My desire to grow up has been so overwhelming that I don't want to depend on my family emotionally, financially and intellectually. So now I feel like I've been drifting apart and growing apart from my family. But the strange thing is that they all still love me even when I don't speak to them the whole month. They tell me how much they miss me and how much they want me back home. I always reacted like they are being so demanding and not letting me grow up. I'm really a bad child and have been really selfish.

I used to compare them with American parents and thought that American parents let their children grow up and give them full independence. Whenever my parents tell me they miss me and want me back home, I feel I'm emotionally pressured and consider they were threatening my independence. But now that I think about it, I remember my host-mom was really reluctant to send her daughter college so far away from home. ( I had a host family when I was in college with whom I can hang out during holidays and have occasional dinners, shopping etc.) I was surprised when she said 'Smith is in MA and it's so far away from CO." I demanded my family to let me go study in the other side of the world, and had a hard time understanding when they said they missed me. Also when I was staying with my professor family during some holiday break, his wife, who was also a professor, told me that 'why do I always have to cry every time my sons leave after the holiday visit?' I consider her really strong woman because she's not like a stay-home-mom who has nothing to do but taking care of the family.

Parents are just parents everywhere. Here in this culture, even if they know that their children leave home one day, they still have a hard time dealing with it. So it must be even harder for my parents who live in the culture where children live with the family until they get married. I have been really stupid and harsh on my parents.

Well I just learned that I can love my family and need them in certain ways and I can still be independent. Now it is the time of the year, most of my friends are going home to spend time with their family and loved ones. In my own little world, it's cold both outside and cold inside....

I'm In Love

You know how it feels when you fall in love. The sky is brighter. The stars are more shinning. Just a little breeze and shaken leaf make you smile. You see every good thing around you to love about. You love every moment with that person. Love is a real excitement and fun! That's why we all want it. This is how I feel now.

I've never been truly in love with anyone before. When I thought I was, it was more of an infatuation and did not last very long. This time is true and real. Not like other times when I was in love with the idea of falling in love. And it's growing every day.

Some of the top reasons I'm in love:
1.We can communicate intelligently - I've been introduced to so many intellectual entertainments.
2. My constant need for change and variety has been satisfied very well.
3. I've met so many new people in a short period since we were together. I've met many amazing friends among those.
4. I've become a lot stronger about belief and faith in my dreams.
5. I dislike being tied down. But I've never been this much free since we're together.
6.I can fully be myself.
7.We could walk on and on for 100 blocks and still enjoy it passing all different neighborhoods along.
8. Our positive energy is very contagious.
9. We have enjoyed a great deal of adventures together from bike rides in crowded streets to new cuisine around the corner.
10. We have had many romantic moments together - picnics in the central park and by the Hudson river, drink on the boat over sunset, a walk over the Brooklyn bridge, stroll over highline appreciating surrounding architecture, outdoor movie in Dumbo overlooking a great view of Manhattan, a refreshing run by the E. river.....list goes on......

Yes, now it's been one year and half together. I'm in love with New York. I've been very grateful for all the things that had brought me to NY. I don't know how long this will last because I probably might be in a honeymoon phase. Just with everything else, I'm not a fan of the idea of 'forever'. But for the moment, I've been enjoying every bit of it.

the Thrill of Living on the Edge

"Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors." Also, skillful sailors get bored when the sea is so smooth because he doesn't get a chance to show all his skills.As much as I love to enjoy life, I believe in struggles in life. Without any struggles or obstacles to overcome, life would be really really boring. Success to me is not lack of failure or not screwing up. Success to me is surviving the state of failure and learning how to get out of being screwed up. Without knowing the pain, you don't feel so grateful about good health. Without knowing the bitterness, you don't value the sweetness so much.

My family has hard time understanding how I want to live alone in U.S. with all struggles while I can live quite luxuriously back home. My dad is a chief engineer of Myanma Timber Enterprise. Thousands of people's destiny is in his hand. ( but he doesn't abuse it.) Whenever I traveled around at home, there were staff officers of my dad following me with a separate car. They were constantly looking out for what I wanted and needed before I even said it. Every place I visited, I was welcome with a big dinner full of several dishes (my day dream) and family members of those officers waiting there to greet me. I did make every possible effort to pay for myself but they were locals so they already took care of everything- the best hotel room in the best hotel of the town, best places to have dinner and all was paid by them.
They thought I was way too humble when I wanted to eat at this little noodle shop by the street by myself. They wanted to bring it and serve me in my hotel dinning room.

It is nice to be treated like a princess but it's not my life and it's not real. It's my dad's life and his power. I don't really feel comfortable with people following me all the time although they did follow me from far to give me 'privacy'. We have a full-time driver for my dad and a part-time driver for my mom. My brother and I like driving ourselves. We have people come clean our house, do laundry and cook for us. With that kind of life, I think it's really boring and I feel so handicapped.

Now I live in the city and I don't have a car while my family with three people has 5 cars. But I love it because this is my life and I have a control over it. And I have to plan and research my options to drive on a little trip.My parents see it suffering and I see it living my life and to the fullest!

I'm almost pathetic that I crave for emergency and adventures, and love the excitements. I get bored so easily of the routines. I'm sure everyone has their own way of getting their adrenaline kick. The thing is that you don't need to get roller coaster rides or jumping out of the plane to get adrenaline kick. Well with the financial budget I have, I can't afford to do all those crazy things all the time anyways.

So my way of getting adrenaline kick has been procrastinating my school work till the last minute and doing everything in the last minute. It works sometimes and it does not. I know it sounds crazy, stupid and irresponsible sometimes. I do work so well under pressure. I get all the adrenaline kick and act everything so fast as an emergency. I think on my own feet. But when the luck is not on my side, I do miss deadlines.

When I don't get to sleep 36 hours straight being up, sleep is most enjoyable thing. When I am working so hard, I don't eat for 12 hours straight. Whatever I eat after that is the most delicious thing on earth. I'm foolish and probably pathetic. Maybe this is not the right way to live your life. But I do love the thrill of living on the edge.

Growing up from a grumpy child

Growing up is a learning process- how fast you grow depends on how fast you learn. I think the kids grow faster because they learn faster. Their brains are fresh and free of fear, guilt and past unpleasant memories.

When I was about 4 or 5 years old, I had a big cut from playing with a knife. I came up to my mom holding my bleeding hand without crying. My mom said; "See I told you NOT to play with a knife." I nodded and told her " yes but now I know how to USE a knife without getting myself cut.'' I was a foolish kid; it was more important for me to know something than the risk of getting hurt.

Now I'm almost turning 29 and there are still so many things I still have yet to learn. I am still doing same mistakes over and over. Sometimes I know, sometimes I don't and sometimes, I refuse to recognize that I make same mistake again.

We all had been a grumpy kid- whenever a kid gets dissatisfied, she gets grumpy with whoever she interacts with. For me, that grumpy kid in me didn't grow up. It's a shame that it's still there. Whenever I gets stressed out, I get grumpy with friends that I interact with. They have nothing to blame for my stress.

No matter how good of a friend I am, something unconscious thing I say or act ruins everything I care for those people. It happened a couple of times already recently. I really need to grow up from that grumpy child. 29-year-old being grumpy is definitely not cute like that 6-9 months baby. :)

Search for Buddhist Burmese in me

My best college buddy from Brazil visited me in NY about a couple of months ago. It was so nice and felt so warm like seeing a family. At one point, when I was telling him how I wanted to visit somewhere exotic and he said 'You totally sound like an American!' I have been having these thoughts and questions about national or self identities - what is American? What is Buddhist Burmese? Why is it important to belong to one group socially, politically, nationally? Where do I belong?

Also my dad once commented me- 'I wonder if you are still a pure Buddhist Burmese.' As a free spirit as I am, I barely care about what other people think about me. I've never been afraid of being who I am though I try best to be the best human being I possibly can be. That was where I struggled living in Myanmar because you are what other people perceive you. I will write more on this later.

From my observations, there are three kinds of people who live abroad for a certain period of time.
1. people who hate the foreign country they live and try really hard to not get adjusted to the new social environment due to the fear of losing their self
2.people who hate their home country and try really hard to become one of those people in the foreign country they now live
3. people who are open to new cultures and not afraid of the change and still have stronger sense of self
My admiration of course is reserved for people in category 3. So lets see which one of those three I fall under.

I myself have disgusted people who lost themselves after they left their origins while trying so hard to be someone who they are not in the process of cultural adaptation. All these questions made me wonder if I lost who I was and my self identity. So I asked myself: "Did I lose my values? Did I lose the most important things in my life? Am I still a Burmese? Am I still a Buddhist?''

Top most important things in my life are:
1.to control my own destiny
2. to not be confined physically, intellectually and emotionally
3.to live life to the fullest
4.to learn and explore

My basic values are: intelligence, independence, integrity, altruism

Gladly, I did not lose any of those. I'm still very much Burmese but with free and open mind :) Whether I'm Buddhist or not, it's still in the process of evaluating its essence in my life. I'm still very happy to go to pagodas back home as long as I'm not forced to do so.

In fact, I gained so much more of most important things and values since I left home. Of course, I did change over eight years in U.S. The biggest change is that I have become very open minded. I have tried to understand things in various points of views instead of trying to draw a line between black and white. For example, in the society I grew up, if you drink or smoke, you are a bad person. If you don't, you are good. The way people try to define who you are is based on some external facts they observe about you instead of trying to understand you as a WHOLE complex being with various dynamics.

To be socially accepted in Myanmar, one has to follow those standards generally accepted by the society. I disliked all those rules and standards making me feel so restricted but I did follow all those standards and managed to be a so called good Buddhist Burmese girl :) But the sad thing is that it did not show who I was. It was more of this standard female creature generated from a Burmese social machine. I barely had a chance to express my opinions, thoughts and hopes.

So to be socially accepted in U.S., what do you do? Just be yourself! I realized that being American means being who you are. This country and culture focus on individuality. Of course, there is pop culture experience you share and other whole experience. But it's not limited to any race, ethnicity, religion or political ideology.

Not everything in U.S is good as much as not everything in Myanmar is bad. Good things and bad things are usually everywhere at the same time- they are sometimes closely tied in each other.

I did not lose myself a tiny bit. Instead, I was able to explore who I am. In U.S., I'm totally free to be myself, retain my values and expand myself intellectually. I learned that you do not lose yourself and identity when you have grown intellectually but you lose yourself and self identity when you try so hard to become someone else while adapting to a new culture

Eternal battle for freedom

All my life, I have been fighting a lot of internal and external intellectual battles and other obstacles. My parents think that I always choose the difficult path and have to suffer more than other people. The thing is that I always set higher goals that are a little out of my reach. That's because I love the challenge and enjoy the path to reaching those goals and whole experience. So to me, it's not suffering at all as they see it.

I am also pretty obstinate. Once I find something I consider is the best for me, it is almost impossible for my parents to change my mind. I always argue with my dad giving a zillion reasons why I want to do this, why it is best for me, how it is going to be a loss for me if I do not do this etc. In a good sight, I'm pretty persuasive :) But to my parents, it's always frustrating to have this difficult child who is not quite fit into the dominant culture.

Recently there are two ongoing battles with my dad:
1. going back home for good after grad school vs living wherever I want to
2. marrying a Burmese man at age 30 vs. marrying the BEST man for me whenever I find one

So I just recently won #1. My argument in short version was that I love freedom and I don't feel free when I'm home. I feel that I do not have many choices for the life I want to live. Once I come back and find lost opportunities, I will resent and feel unhappy when I feel trapped and can't get out of the country. As a compromise, I promised him that I will visit home more frequently once I am more settled with my life.

Battle #2 will be very tough. Personally, I don't even care whether I get married or not. It is a BIG thing and my lifetime happiness is at stake. The whole family is pressuring me to start dating someone potential seriously. I told my dad that 'yes if I meet someone who is very intelligent, highly educated, open-minded, adventurous, very social and independent, he also appreciates my qualities and fall in love with me. He said "Your requirements are very very high. It's very difficult to meet your requirements. The only things I want is honest, hardworking and medium educated, patient Myanmar guy."

It upsets me. It almost sounds like "I don't want the best for you. I just want some average guy as long as he's Burmese."I know he is not like that. I know he wants the best for me. But still he wants me to settle for less than the best person for the racial issue.

For the time being, I just want to focus on school and developing my career. I don't want to think about this marriage issue. It's just a lot of pressure and my parents' constant nagging is hard to bear. But the same time, I love challenges and enjoy overcoming them. They keep me on my toes and don't get me bored....

Women's career choices and their impact

I often wonder why a lot of women went to Ivy league and other top schools, are very capable and well accomplished, and later happily gave up their careers or are willing to give up when they decided to raise a family. I don't have any problem with their choices but some of them already knew that all they want in life is having a family and raising children and still went thru all the normal life process of going to college, getting a career and all that.

I'm an economist so I am always concerned about how well resources are being utilized to gain the maximum efficiency. :) In U.S, going to a top college/university is quite expensive- someone has to pay that cost ( your parents, the school itself, government or/and other organizations). All these people and society invest in you - whether they expect you or not, I think it is fair for you to give something back to your community and society utilizing that education, knowledge and experience. I often feel that it's so wasteful for the society that those capable women are staying home and raising children.

Most importantly, those top institutions are highly selective and when they select a portion of those candidates who are going to be just stay-at-home moms one day, they miss to give the opportunities to others who are highly devoted to make a difference in the world. While I'm thinking about this, I came across this old article in NY Times about women setting career path to motherhood. The thing is that I respect very much of people's freedom of choice as long as their choice does not hurt other people. In this case, I think it does hurt other people because of the above reason - taking away opportunities from some other people.

The article said admissions officers are not likely to ask applicants whether they plan to become stay-at-home moms. But I think they really should. That way they will fully maximize society's best interests and save some resources from being wasted.

Living life to the fullest

To live fully in the moment is in a way to live your life to the fullest. As tomorrow is uncertain, it is very important for me to make the most out of today.

I have been busiest ever past two weeks. Sometimes, I wish I could divide myself to three four persons to be fully involved with everything I want to; or I could get 2 or 3 extra hours each day. I try myself to be most efficient with limited time I have. From Mon-Fri, I leave home 7 am and get back home after 10pm. And my weekends are packed with catching up with friends and doing schoolwork.
My priorities come in this order:

1. School
I'm taking 3 courses- Advanced Accounting, Auditing and Marketing. For Advanced Acctg, I got the professor which is best known for giving LOADs of work for students. I'm already suffering from that. As expected, Auditing is quite interesting - that's where I can fully apply my major strength catching irregularities and mistakes based on my own judgment.
Marketing is quite fun as well. I really like the professor- she seems very confident and enthusiastic with the subject.

2.Work
I'm working almost full-time- 36 hours. I am actually liking it a lot. I really like the people I work with, ( they like me a lot as well). There are so many new things for me to learn and have been acquiring new and hidden skills :) I didn't know myself well how much of people-person I was until now. As I love FOOD, hearing about it and working for it have been quite fascinating for me :) I've been communicating a lot with many people and solving a lot of problems each and everyday.

3.Job Search

To become a CPA (Chartered Public Accountant), I need to work as a public accountant. Meanwhile, I have been attending school career events to network with professionals and my fellow schoolmates. This whole process of gathering information, talking to people, building relationships and all these take a lot of my time and energy as well. Just two days ago, I did something I thought I could never do! At the PWC info session, I asked a question with a microphone in front of 200+ people. I was nervous but I DID it!!

4.Socializing
Yes, I'm taking almost full-time course load and almost working full-time.But I still make time for my friends. Socializing is very important for me as not only I enjoy seeing my friends but also I love meeting new people every now and then.

5.Staying healthy
With all these things filled up my day/night, I have been sleeping less and less than my usual 5-6 hrs a night. But I still have lots of energy and barely feel tired. I do get tired sometimes. So I have been trying to eat healthier, which I never cared before. I eat more vegetables, meat, cereals, nuts and fruits, and less carbs. I drink more water. As I work in an organic food company, I always get so much information about which food and drinks have what and how they affect your body etc. I have been keeping up with swimming, at least once a week. I have not been running for a while though. I find swimming more refreshing and relaxing than running. I guess it's b/c of the water.

I am very busy but I feel so great as I feel that I've been doing A LOT and being quite productive. My best friend from college visited me and he was quite amazed with how efficient and energetic I am :)

The Idea of "FOREVER"

Last weekend, I asked my mom the same question I asked her over 10 years ago - "Don't you ever get tired of being with the same person for more than 30 years?" She just laughed at me because she thinks I'm crazy to think that way. I asked because I got tired of being with the same person after 'three' years.

My friend, J, always accuses me that I'm afraid of commitment. But he, who is apparently all about commitment and serious relationship, got baffled when his gf asked him to move in. In my case, it's not the fear of commitment; it's rather dislike of boredom, distrust in fantasy-like romance and love of freedom.

During my senior year in college, I met this most intelligent and knowledgeable man I've ever known for his age. I thought I fell in love with him and we became a couple almost instantly. He was my human-wikipedia and he gave me lots of freedom! With everything else in my life, I got tired after all the new things had gone in our relationship. I became concerned that ''Is it gonna be forever?" Then I started looking for the exit.

All my close friends and family concluded that it is because I was not in love. But this 'falling in love' business seems so vague and fantasy-like. I just think most people love themselves and want the other person to fulfill their need for security, emotional support and companionship. Then they just accept whatever that is and stick with it forever. Consequently, I think it is a possible misery forever!

For me, I am almost always happy and feel pretty fulfilled with my life. I don't need external support to feel happy. However, on the other hand, the idealist version of me believes that there could be this one or more persons ( depending on your chances of meeting people) can ADD a lot to your life in so many ways. Without making a lot of efforts, that person(s) understands you and your values, respects you and has faith in you as the best person you can be, and is attracted to you intellectually, emotionally and physically. This is more like the best friend with physical attraction.

That's why I think the only way you can be completely happy "forever'' and not get tired after a few years is when you are in love with your best friend.

Varying Needs of Space

Buddha's image here is in the temple of Manuha Pagoda in Bagan,Myanmar. King Manuha, Emperor of Mon, was brought to Bagan after he lost the war with Myanmar Emperor. He was provided with a small palace in Bagan with a few people to serve him. One day, with the permission of Myanmar Emperor, he built a temple called "Manuha Temple''. Inside the temple, there were full of Buddha images confined by walls in all sides. When finished, Myanmar Emperor visited the temple and felt offended and very angry with Manuha, who was in fact his prisoner of war. Myanmar Emperor considered himself as a very lenient Buddhist King who was generous and kind to his prisoner. But he overlooked the fact that Manuha himself was also once an Emperor who ruled a big land with absolute power. He failed to understand that the small palace he provided Manuha as a very confined space for an Emperor.

People have varying needs of space, physical, intellectual and emotional. I am sometimes surprised by how people have very little control over their life. We are all confined in small little space either by our own choice or other people in our life or other external factors. Most of the time, we think we have no choice - 'oh that's just life'.

All my life, I have been fighting for the space and control over my life that I need. My mom said even when I was a little bit over one year old, I was always waiting for the time the door will open. Once the door was open to receive the guest, she said I sneaked in and ran outside like crazy fast. When I was 17, I brought up the idea of pursuing education in the U.S to my dad. He was so against the idea and couldn't even imagine letting the young little daughter go to the other side of the world where she had no one she knew. We fought and we argued for several days. He was finally convinced by my arguments, and not only that he was very supportive in the end.

Although I love my family, I have been so happy with all the freedom and space I have got with my life since I left home. My parents asked me to come back home several times and promised that they would give me all the freedom I need. But even if that's the case, I still think that Burmese people are prisoners in our own country. I love the fact that life here has so many options. Even if I don't get a chance to try all those options, knowing that there are lots of options and having control over my destiny is just enough to make me a happier person.

Alternative life styles

My friend, A and I had this interesting conversation about friendship and different life styles while walking on the beach yesterday. She told me that someone she knows is considering to raise a family together with her female best friend. I don't know how that woman got that idea from. It sounds amazing to me! A was pretty enthusiastic about the idea and she even told me 'even you and I could do something like that! We could be dating other men time to time but we adopt kids and raise them together!' :) Because she knows that I'm not too big on the idea of settling down with a man and raising a family.

I think most of the time, a lot of women seem to have fixed life plans and goals about getting married and raising families at specific age. A lot of them have this fear " OMG, my clock is ticking!" So they marry the next guy who propose them. For some people, the plans might work out when they get lucky. Although I'm mostly optimist, this is one thing I'm always skeptical of. I think it's just too risky for your lifetime happiness. When the plans didn't work out because you married a fantasy, you are pretty screwed and stuck with lifetime unhappiness. A divorce must be such a nightmare too.

I understand that it's women's biological nature to take of children and raise a family. But they would save a lot of heartache, unnecessary emotional burden and possible lifetime unhappiness if they are more open minded about their options. Instead of putting so much pressure on yourself about settling down and raising a conventional family, why can you not raise a family together with your best friend if he/she also wants the exact same thing?

This Weekend Festivities

One of the many things I love about life is obviously FOOD. I think I appreciate food more than a lot of people I know. I have no diet restrictions - I eat anything and everything as much as I like.

Friday evening, at work, we had the BEST tasting event ever! Tasting events are organized by sourcing team of the company, where we try new products and give feedback, evaluate whether we should carry that particular product.

So last tasting, we tried out those frozen but freshly made organic products - lobster risotto, lobster mac&cheese and lobster chowder. They are all restaurant quality food! Then the same time, we tried this dessert - toffee pudding and chocolate pudding. It was just heaven!!

Thursday night, I went to a Taiwanese American Professionals party at Hudson Terrance. It was more like a clubbing than a social event I was expecting. I will write more about my thoughts on that later.

Yesterday, Saturday, I went to Jones Beach with my super awesome friend, A, her boyfriend and his cousin couple. That beach was really nice compared to all other beaches I've been in this area. The sand and the water are much nicer and cleaner. Perfect beach day! it wasn't too hot and the waves were also perfect - not too strong. My friend, A and I always have interesting conversations and we never run out of what to talk about :)

Today, I had brunch with this new friend who I met at another friend's bday party. She seems really nice and great too. These days, I always end up making more friends with women than men. It seems to me that whenever I meet new men whom I feel connected, they usually seem to want more than a friendship. I'm not against dating but it's just too much pressure for the time being. Anyways, we went to this place called Cafe Orlin which I picked. I normally have brunch in West village because those friends in WV are dominating in picking out places :) I always love brunch, it's relaxing, and comforting yourself with breakfast food with good company. The food at that place didn't convince me that much though and bad service. I don't think I'll go there again.

This evening, I met up with a group of friends at Frying Pan in Chelsea. I've been wanting to go there for a while. Last time, we cancelled because of the rain. This time, we made it even though it was raining a little bit after I got there. It must be so awesome to hang out with a few drinks on the boat in the nice weather. Once the rain slowed down, we walked over to this place called Ovest Pizzoteca in Chelsea. I've been eating pretty much typical American food this whole weekend - Angus beef burger on the beach, sweet pretzels, milk shake, egg Benedict, pizza. It's definitely not healthy but I'm totally not complaining about it :)

Inspiring little people

Yesterday, there was a company picnic at Oyster bay. A lot of people came with their families. My bosses brought their four adorable daughters.

A great example of people who live in the moment are children. They are fully 100% present in the moment. They are free of worries and fear. Since their imaginations are not fenced in by fear of past pain and failure like grownups, they are most creative.That's why Picasso said "All children are artists. The problem is how to remain an artist once you grow up." Another amazing thing about children is that they are so curious and excited about all things surrounded them. The world is so new and exciting for them and they are so eager to know about it.

I love hanging out with children. Their full of spirit, joy and energy are contagious. And they are very bold and capable. Since children and I have mutual fondness for each other, my friends think that I'll be a great mother. But I love kids not because I want to be a mother but because I greatly enjoy and admire them. I approach them as a friend not as a grownup who tells them what to do, and who is condescending to them. I treat them with respect. I remember being a kid once myself who wanted to be friends with grownups and wanted the grownups to take me seriously.

A lot of grownups wish to be children once again because they remember having so much fun as a kid. But most of the time I think grownups are not having fun like kids not because they are grownups and have got a lot of responsibilities, but because they are so much tied up with memories of pains, failures, and worries. Actually, I think being a grownup is a wonderful thing. It's just a matter of how you apply your past experience and memories to live fully in the present. Being a grownup is learning how to avoid making the same mistake twice based on past experience. I tried, I failed, I learned,I tried again, I got it and move on!

Emotional Freedom

Most of the time, we seek freedom as in the state of being unrestrained from external restrictions and limitations. But we often neglect to free ourselves from our own emotional restraints such as fear, desire and anger.

I grew up as a Buddhist so I often try to understand why I feel how I feel. I found it so much easier to set myself free if I understand better why I'm feeling those emotions. Because once you know why, you often realize it's unnecessary.

Here is why. :) Recently, I just realized that the key to escape from all those emotional restraints is to not limit and fence in myself emotionally. For example, I have a strong desire to go to Six Flags (never been there 4 years in east coast!); I'm worried that it'll rain in the weekend I can go; then I get so angry with my friend who cancels to go in the last minute. You see it happens because I limit myself that I have to go to Six Flags this particular week with this specific friend. That's why I get so angry and frustrated. But then I ended up going to Coney Island with my best friend and had so much fun! If you really stop, think about it and ask yourself if it's Six Flags this weekend with that friend of yours is the ONLY thing that will make you happy? The answer is always NO.

Well, it's not just about Six Flags vs. Coney Island- even the bigger things in our life such as our life goals. But the main problem is that whenever we limit ourselves and are emotionally invested, we don't believe that there are PLENTY other options, opportunities and possibilities in our life that can make us EQUALLY happy or even HAPPIER. I always ask my girl friends who are upset about the guys - "Are you really SURE he is the ONLY man in the world above human kind who can make you happy?"

Reconnecting withe the Past

I consider myself of almost always living in the moment - I barely miss places and people in the past and don't worry much about the future. It's not because I don't care, it's just because I sometimes get so much caught up in the moment and feel a waste of time to carry on unnecessary emotional burden. Also it's because I always believe that there will be always another chance to be in those places or to see those people.

Life is usually so random and unpredictable. Well actually it's one of the many things I love about life! :) Sometimes things you want the most don't happen or people you cared most don't come across with your path. But then you also happen to find new opportunities you never expected of having or people you never thought that would matter to you became important in your life.

So this Sat night, I went to my friend's birthday party. We had a delicious dinner at Les Halles. Then we went to Karaoke place in Brooklyn. That Karaoke place is pretty similar to what we have back home. You get a private room for your group and they serve food/drinks while you sing. It was fun. It reminded me of who I was 9 years ago- this girl who was trying to find her way out to go to college in U.S. Karaoke was one of the social activities I did with a group of friends back then while we were all taking classes and applying schools.

Then today, I had brunch with one of my college friends. I didn't expect much at all because we were not really like close friends in college. But it turned out very nice to see her and we had great conversations about our lives. Interesting thing is that she's been living the kind of life I've been dreaming of living. Past 5 years she has been moving around and lived in different countries such as Netherlands, New Zealand, Japan, UK and now she's in NYC doing her Ph.D. It happens because sometimes she followed her husband for his job and sometimes her husband followed her when she pursued her studies in UK and now US. She said they always managed to find jobs whenever they moved around.
Sometimes, I think you shouldn't be thinking too much and just do it! :)

Life as a conventional structure

At this point in your life, you start thinking about settling down or even already settled down or you are asked about settling down. For most of us, the pattern of life follows:
1. you were born
2. go to school at 5
3. go to college in 18ish
4. start a career in mid 20s
5. get married in late 20s
6.raise a family in 30s
7.change a career or/and get a divorce in 40s or 50s
8.try to find a new purpose in life after sending your kids off to college in 50s
9.start planning for your exit in 60s/70s
10. follow the inevitable destiny - death in 70s and after

My parents have been asking me about where I'm going to settle down and whom my life partner will be.
The ideal life for me will be moving around place to place. That way, I get to know many places and many people and learn different ways of lives in all those different places. The world is so big and has so many things for one person to discover and learn about. I don't want to limit myself in one place. Maybe it's unrealistic...
The term "life partner" kind of scares me somehow. Since teenage, I have had this fear that my life won't be flexible and free if I'm tied with someone or with a family. It'd be irresponsible to enjoy all the freedom while you have someone or a family to take care of. Or it could be different if I find the right person and managed to have an unconventional family.

I know I chose one of the most inflexible career of becoming an accountant. I'm still loving my pursuit as I love numbers and how these numbers tell stories about all these businesses. A lot of things make more sense to me in quantitative terms.

So I asked myself why we need to settle down?
I think one great answer should have been that I have discovered all my options and possibilities within my intellectual and physical capacities and I have found ONE thing I absolutely love doing it in ONE particular place for the rest of my life.

But what if you see life as an adventurous journey with a series of temporary goals which you seek to achieve one after another and experience all the challenges while trying to achieve your goals?