On letting go

About a year and half ago, it was a few months after I turned 30, I was about to finish my masters degree and I did not know what to do after graduation because I realized I did not want to be an accountant anymore.

At first, I thought I was just having a cold feet or simply unsure about working such long hours or plainly lazy to study for CPA exams. While all of those could have been quite valid reasons, I might not have the courage to actually change the career track at that point.

Then something happened—a hurtful breakup.

The timing would not be anymore perfect. I was 30, and found myself guilty of doing nothing meaningful, and someone I thought I could probably talk to decided to end things. I felt completely lost.

In the midst of all those brokenness and pains, I made a very questionable decision —a decision to move back to my home country after 10 years living in the U.S. I put together all the pieces of me everywhere and took the flight back home.

An existential crisis and a heartbreak—it wasn't a pretty combination. I was shattered in pieces, literally and metaphorically. Many nights, I cried. It felt like that pain would never go away.

The very good thing about being lost in life and going through a painful breakup is that you questioned your status quo like you would never before. I read a lot and I questioned myself a lot, which felt like I owed to myself for the past 10 years.


With the hardest questions I asked myself and a little bit of education and reading, I was back on track with the career in no time. I found a job that I really love, that I find fulfilling and meaningful in so many ways.

In terms of the heartbreak, I was barely making any progress. But, like everything else in life, I knew that I would not be in that stage forever. It would pass and I would move on no matter what. I knew it was a matter of time. So I waited....

Six months in, still no progress. I was still crying hard. Nine months, still not much difference. I knew I needed to let go and move on but I could not. I thought a day would "eventually come" when I would just forget him and get over with what happened.

And it was a year after since I moved back. I had a conversation with an old friend from NYC. She asked "have you decided to move on?" I could not understand what kind of question it was. My answer was no of course because I did not think that I could "decide", making a conscious choice, to move on.

That was a turning point. I thought about it and made that conscious decision to move on after that conversation. I knew it would not be easy but I decided to make an effort everyday to let go of whatever I was holding on to.

Once after I made that choice to let go, I had become so much happier and free. I thought I was holding onto love. In reality, what I was holding onto was just an ego and a denial to accept the reality - a painful reality that this horrible thing had happened to "ME", someone I cared about left "ME" and "I" cannot do anything to turn that around. I needed to accept that it happened to me and he already made the choice that he thought could be happier for him. Trying to turn that around would simply mean not respecting his choice that suited better for him.

But, after letting go of that ego and starting to accept the reality, what was left was mostly gratitude—sweet memories of that incredible human being and gratitude that I had a wonderful time with him, even though it was not as long as I would have liked it to be.

They say, "Time heals wounds''. I think it is misleading because it makes you think you need to wait. In fact, we can always make a conscious choice to let ourselves heal and be free from the pain we hold onto, right here and now.

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How I was reminded of "half of the population"

I had not been giving many thoughts on the gender equality lately. I thought there were more pressing social issues in our society such as poverty and its associated problems—poor access to food, primary education and basic health care. And I started thinking gender equality was a luxury problem in developed countries like U.S and the western world.

Recently, I was in a remote small town with a work assignment in which we interviewed the township level government officials from various departments and had group discussions with township development committees, community authorities and civil society organizations. All those people we met were in some sort of leadership positions in the town and respective communities, and they were ALL MEN except for the township education officer being a woman.

Even though I have always considered myself a feminist since back to the days I could remember myself, shockingly, I was quite comfortable with witnessing that patriarchal structure in that town. Until the moment came when we asked a question- "half of the population is not represented in your committee, meaning 'women'. Should they not be involved actively?" it hit me quite hard.

Hearing the answers from male leaders was even more painful. They said, "There's no such rule as women cannot participate in the committee. But to be a member, one has to be a respectable and educated member of community with leadership skills. And we do not have such women."

I could not imagine for a woman in a village to join a village authority group, which has always been a "boy club", and to speak up for the issues specific to women in the community.

If the poverty is a pressing issue, in a society in which half of the population doesn't have a voice, that poverty would hurt even harsher on the vulnerable half— 50% of population is NOT negligible in any sense— and the way out of poverty would be harder.

What can you and I do about it?

I think it is not entirely hopeless even for women in the rural communities. As much as I was shocked about myself being oblivious about the matter, I also found hope. One of the men in the group said, "if women are well-educated like you (referring to me), they could of course involve more actively in development projects of the community."

It is hopeful because even though I was the only woman in those discussion groups, even if a few of those men felt that they should encourage their daughter/sister/wife to be more educated and become active members and leaders of their community, it would be a progress. And the same time, I felt that women like us should be more in touch with men and women at the community level.

And we also need help of our brothers, fathers, husbands, male colleagues, male friends and leaders. If we want to see the progress of our society and do not care about "half of the population", what would we care about?

Power of Exercise

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"Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."— Rumi

About a month ago, I signed up 
for a half marathon.  I wanted a little bit of challenge plus a good reason to wake up early and do a regular exercise. 


Today, I finished my second week of training! I knew running/exercising 5 days a week would be pretty tough (almost impossible) since I work 10-12 hours a day ( plus 2 hours drive), and I work on Saturdays and holidays occasionally. I could only go to the gym 2 times a week the most past few months.

As I'm usually exhausted just by working, I wasn't very sure how I could add an exercise to my tight schedule and tiring days. But I decided to add it anyway thinking I would at least try. To fit an hour of exercise to my schedule, I get up 6 am to hit the gym for a run and a bit of workout. That was a bit dramatic change I had to make since I had a hard time getting up at 7:20.

I did have almost regular exercise when I lived in New York but I couldn't really tell how it affected my overall wellbeing. And I did not have a serious and demanding job like I have now so my life in NY was fun and happy no matter what.

I have read and heard about how exercise is good for you. But now, I can feel and tell the difference from my own experience—exercise has been bringing great things to my daily life. Here is what I want to share:

1. I enjoy the tranquility of a new day.
Starting the day early in the morning has been refreshing. It is the only time I get to see calmness of Yangon without heavy traffic. That tranquility gives me an extra boost to tackle my long day ahead with full energy.

2. Exercise improves mind control.
I did not have to make an effort to enjoy running when I ran by the East River in NY, because I just loved it. But here, I have to make conscious efforts to overcome the mental discomforts.

Every time I start running on the treadmill, I cannot wait to get it over with. I don't like the discomfort in the first 5 minutes of run. The first few minutes are always the hardest since my body gets suddenly interrupted with fast movements.

I've been realizing that my mental reaction to the discomfort and tiredness is much more unbearable than the real physical discomfort. The moment I start overcoming my mental reaction and start enjoying the steps, I am much more comfortable with the whole movements.

And I think I'm getting better each time with the mind control and effort.

3. I feel accomplished.
I'm sure everyone agrees to feeling positive at the end of hard workout or running session. I don't exactly know what the science is inside my body after the workout. But, mentally, I feel really really great at the end of each run or exercise.

My mood usually starts out with 'Oh I have to do this again." ...."Oh my god it's not even one third of my goal distance". I keep looking at the screen of my treadmill and counting every second and every .01 km change. ( Yeah I know I'm mental.) Then slowly, my mood gets improved with the effort I mentioned above. At the end, I feel so accomplished "Oh god, I DID IT!" It's priceless.

4. I feel positive.
It was way easier to be optimistic when living in NY. It is a place where your dreams come true; all the great energies and positivities of its people are circulating in that city.

From where I live now and what I'm learning through findings from my social research and also seeing things around, it has been challenging for me to stay positive and optimistic.

I know it might sound exaggerating but when you could overcome some small things and difficulties — even discomfort of exercise — you start feeling much more hopeful. You feel that you CAN DO it, and you can overcome challenges, just one step at a time, and accomplish many more great things!

The Struggle with Learning to Be Selfless

I want to live serving others or so I thought—even if it is as smallest thing as reducing the selfishness within me. That's what I have decided to live for and thought it's meaningful.

It all sounds good and it has made me feel good about myself or feel significant for my insignificant existence in this world.

To put my intentions into actions, I made a deliberate and conscious choice to become a social researcher at a research firm. I believed I needed to learn about people at grassroots level if I want to help the majority, the underprivileged.

I've been exposed to overwhelming amount of information, facts, narratives of common people in my country.

I've been really overwhelmed knowing about their struggles for simple basic things like water and food. However, the most shocking thing is not how poor they are or how so few choices they have—it is the fact that nothing is new.

I have read and seen those things in other parts of the world or different times in the history.

Lets look at the world we are living. We are living in a world where the wealth of top 85 equals the poorest half of the world; masses are being ripped off opportunities or being systematically enslaved by their choices being limited; the society is enormously stratified; we are reading news about shooting innocent children in schools,gang raping, cooperate exploitation.

All those crimes and injustice have happened over and over throughout the history. Only the context is different depending on the situations surrounding that particular era. The very basic human nature is the same—the will to power and the hunger for more.

I sometimes wonder if the humanity is doomed, and if it's worth fighting for a losing battle.

When I look at myself, I'm still not very sure if I want to serve others because I want it from the bottom of my heart or, it merely comes from this egoistic hunger for more, a desire to believe that I'm better as "I" live for a noble cause.

As much as I want to deny it with all my power, the latter seems to be true.

I have no way of knowing until circumstances come for me to make choices that are against my self interests. It is much easier for me to think about the ideals while I don't really have any big moral challenges or forces that could push me against.

It is quite comforting to intellectualize about how the world should be than really changing the world.

But, when there is a chance, do I have the courage to fight against all the forces that are against me? Am I gonna be frail at some point? Am I gonna get tired of trying? Or is it really meaningful at all fighting a losing battle?

Then I saw this:
"Naive, dreaming Adam. He who would do battle with the many-headed hydra of human nature must pay a world of pain & his family must pay it along with him! & only as you gasp your dying breath shall you understand, your life amounted to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean!"

"Yet what is any ocean but a multitude of drops?"
- David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas

Maybe one drop is nothing in a limitless ocean. But those rare few people who believe in an ocean filled with a multitude of drops are ones who give so many of us hope. Every time we are hungry, thirsty, lonely, sick, hurt, or broken, it is their act of kindness and love, and their conscious and consistent effort to heal all these wounded souls that makes a huge difference to us.

Maybe we should join them so they don't feel that the whole universe is against them.

A Tiny Bit of Change that Counts

I tend to procrastinate more often than I like. The longer I procrastinate, the bigger the task becomes, and the more I get afraid to start doing anything about it. Many of those little things get accumulated. I get overwhelmed and stressed, and eventually, I get depressed for not being able to do anything.

I also easily get upset about things that are completely out of my control. That makes me lose sight of things that I can actually do - small things like getting up 5 minutes earlier or 5 minute exercise.

I have been "thinking'' about meditating for a couple of weeks but it's not been happening. I know it's good especially when I get easily overwhelmed. Whenever I think about meditating, I get distracted about one thing or the other. I want to read one more article, check something on internet or facebook or emails.

Eventually today, I decided to just drag myself to meditate.

But, ONE thing I did it differently this time is that I told myself, "I will do it as long as I can, even if it is 5 minutes." The reason I've been avoiding to meditate is that I wanted to do it at least 40 minutes. So it never happened.

I still set up the alarm for one hour but I thought I would stop any time before the alarm.

In the beginning of the sitting, I definitely had a lot going on in my head. So many thoughts come and go. But later, I found myself becoming calm and the thoughts started fading. Slowly, I was more centered.

Then, what made me surprised was that the alarm rang! So it was a FULL HOUR! I felt really really great that I did a whole full hour of meditation while I only expected to do 5 minutes to 20 minutes.

After that, I finished a project within 2 hours, which I've been procrastinating to do it since five days ago.

So as the saying goes, a thousand mile journey does start with one tiny step.

Challenge of Understanding the Other Side

This weekend, I watched a movie, "300: Rise of an Empire" at the theater. We left in the middle of the movie. It was cliche, the usual war between good and evil. And predictably, the Persians were portrayed as devils using black magic to cheat the war against the alliance of Greek city-states.

I learned that there is a recent controversy in Iran about how Hollywood portrays Persians in the movies. It makes me question about a lot of things, both current and past, we know in this popular culture and how much of our knowledge and understanding is close to the truth.

When I thought about Myanmar history, it's all about history of kings, and rise and fall of kingdoms and empires. I never came across the accounts of common people in those times, and what they truly thought of the king and the events of those times. And the historian who wrote and recorded the account of the king's era was likely to be under the service of that king. So definitely, he wouldn't dare to say anything bad about that despot and his actions.

I went to a liberal arts college in the U.S. where we learned different range of disciplines covering science, social science and humanities. I really enjoyed it because classes were mostly about exploring, analyzing, discussing and debating issues rather than trying to come to absolute right or wrong answers. But still, all of my five political science classes, we dismissed communism easily. We didn't discuss much about it. We didn't try to understand the arguments communism makes even though it was the ideology that challenged the world once.

When I first read the article on xojane about the Duke porn star, like many others', my reaction was pretty strong and very judgmental of her. I refused to really understand what she was talking about because I had prejudice against sex on the camera. I couldn't try to understand the argument because of the stigma we often associate with sex. But, I obsessively followed so many articles about her - both arguments on pros and cons. I struggled for a long time, asked myself so many questions and made various arguments about feminism vs female sexuality, issues about sex workers and morality. What she did good was opening up the dialogue about our views on sex workers and speaking up for those sex workers who have been long silenced due to the social stigma.

It is much easier to portray history, ideologies and people in black and white, or good and evil. Many of us are guilty of falling into stereotype/generalization traps. But in reality, people are very complex, and historical events and ideologies that result from actions and understandings of these people are likely to be quite paradoxical as well.

That's why a wise friend once said that, "there are three sides of the story - my side, your side and the truth."

In the attempt to show various sides of the story, "Game of Thrones", both book and TV series, is pretty good. I get to see the events from perspectives of different people - nuances of each person's actions and their struggle to be wise and honorable in various occasions. Some characters who you consider just and honorable could also do something unwise. Some dishonorable person is also capable of doing something really noble and wise.

Sometimes, I get really frustrated wondering, "Am I ever gonna "fully" understand something or someone, even myself in this lifetime? Or Should I just give up trying to understand at all?" I guess what matters is openness - openness to listen to other opinions that are opposed to mine and to engage in dialogues, even if it's sometimes difficult and uncomfortable. I'm not going to be fully successful in it. But, I think it's good knowing that I tried and made some progress.

Photo Credit: actstraining

How Inequality Affects All of Us

When I lived in New York, it was so hard to choose. Out of the countless different things the city offered, I could never decide where to eat, what to do, who to see.

Since moving back to my home country — Myanmar — I have seen how the majority of people here have very little choice at all. They’re simply struggling to get their daily meals. It’s one thing to read about poverty and hunger, but it’s another to see the faces of hunger-pained people right in front of me.

I could have easily been another poor kid on the streets, but I happened to be born into a family who could afford to send me to good schools and provide me with a comfortable life. I was born into a situation which allowed me to grab opportunities, pursue life goals, and chase my dreams.

I’m haunted by this.

A few weeks ago, inequality and injustice took on solid numbers that have gone viral, shocking everyone. According to the 2014 Oxfam Report, the top 85 richest people in the world have more wealth than the poorest half of the global population. 

(Take the entire population of Canada and multiply it by roughly 20 and a half. Those 700 million people would have less money than a random group of 17 individuals. That’s the kind of gargantuan inequality we’re talking about here.)

Oxfam also points out that this inequality is growing due to “power grabs’’ by wealthy elites who buy out political systems...Continue Reading on Converge Magazine