Can Men and Women be friends?

In a famous film “When Harry met Sally’’, Harry asserts, “Men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.’’ I never really cared to ask why men are so wired into focusing on women’s physical appearance. I just accepted that’s how men are.

Recently, I was waiting at a saloon to cut 9’’ of my long hair in order to donate it to cancer patients. All the women at the saloon say my hair looks very beautiful, and also guys like such beautiful long hair. Even though I was determined to let go of that long hair for something I believe a great cause, I was trembled at the thought of not being attractive to opposite sex.

I realized how I put so much value on my look than who I am inside; how I’m reducing myself to a physical object of desire. Then I told myself, “I’m doing what I care about. If someone doesn’t like me because of how I look without trying to get to know who I am, I don’t like him either.’’ It’s quite empowering to feel adequate – just to be me, not an object.

I’m forever grateful to my mother for this.  When I was little whenever people said, “The boy (my brother) is much better looking than the girl,’’ my mom always encouraged me that look is not important. She taught me timeless values other than look –  intelligence, integrity, kindness etc. These values have given me a core sense of self to resist the external pressure on the look.

However, in the society today, a woman’s worth is heavily tied to her look and her physical appeal to men. A lot of intelligent girls dress up, play cute and dumb to attract the opposite sex. Fashion and cosmetic industries thrive on selling the idea that women are inadequate without the help of their “products” that can approximate and facilitate their self-defined physical ideals and sexual appeals. That’s also how I’ve always justified whenever I buy unnecessary clothing, “I will look great on this. This is totally worth it.’’

I recently saw this video on Upworthy.  I realize this sexual objectification of women is all around us.  It’s even more shocking to find out that I myself have been accepting this. One time, I accidentally ran into two male friends conversation about a female friend as a total sexual object. I was pretty shocked especially because one of them is my friend who I consider a very respectful gentleman. I confronted him and he defended, “That’s how guys talk.’’ I talked to another male friend and he said the same. I just accepted it at that.

In the future, I won’t accept it. I will confront any man who treats and talks women as sexual objects. I will remind any woman including myself that we are whole human beings to be treated with respect. We all have mothers, wives, sisters, daughters and friends, who are vulnerable to being treated as sexual objects. We should encourage our brothers, sons, husbands, boyfriends and friends to respect women and to be aware of sexual objectification of women.

It would be a very critical step to save many women from gender discrimination, unnecessary heartbreaks, sexual assaults, sex trafficking and all other abuses. I say this confidently because when I start seeing and respecting animals as living beings with a will to live, I no longer want to eat them and be cruel to them directly or indirectly, and I will keep trying my best.

So I disagree with Harry. Men and women CAN be friends if and when men start seeing women as people, not sexual objects.