What I learned from making mistakes

I've been feeling quite proud and a bit overconfident because I thought that I was now mature and I took responsibilities for my mistakes. I was no longer afraid to apologize first unlike I was in the not-so-far past. 

But I was wrong about myself.

I accept at the superficial level that I am not perfect and I could make mistakes. But, in reality, it is not always easy to accept that I have limitations. Especially it is harder when things have been going well on my favor. And that's when I lose sight of myself.

About a week ago, I was blamed by  a very important client for failure to communicate an important technical aspect of project. In normal circumstances, I could have been able to handle it like a mature responsible person. But I was not. I felt trapped and felt like a 5 year old kid who did something wrong. And worst, I did act like a 5 year old kid—I tried to escape from the blame so I gave excuses that it was not my fault.

I felt terrible after that because I’m in charge of the project and not in that sort of position to not take responsibilities for my own mistake. Even after I fixed the situation right away and did a damage control, I was in a big emotional trauma. I could not forgive myself and could not sleep the whole night.

A week after, I made another mistake again—I failed to communicate to my boss, chief technical officer, about another important technical aspect of the same project. A couple of people including the CTO were disappointed with me. I felt terrible again but this time, I had recovered quickly. I did not dwell on my mistake so long. I apologized to the team very quickly and I admitted that it was my fault.

On my way back home, I thought about why I’ve been making big mistakes twice in a row within a week. Even though I apologized quickly in the second time, I was feeling very uneasy. Then I realized that I learned incredible lessons from these mistakes. Within one week, I feel that I've become grown and personally expanded.

Here is what I learned:

1.     I was reminded of my own limitations.

When things were going well, I could not see myself where I actually was and where I still needed to improve. Only after I made mistakes, did I understand about my own limitations. Facing our own weaknesses and limitations could be quite scary, but without facing them and accepting them, we cannot expand and grow as a person. I will never be a perfect human being since perfection does not exist. I think that one of the most amazing things about life is learning about our own imperfections and continuously trying to fix them in order to become a better person. I think it is an incredible process and a wonderful journey!

2.     Importance of forgiveness

There are two ways for us to feel pain. One is caused by external events or people, which is out of our control. The other is caused by our own reaction to that external pain, in other words, our self-inflicted pain. It was already painful to learn about my own limitations. I made it worse by feeling really guilty about it. I could not forgive myself for several hours. Then I really made an effort to forgive myself. I learned how important it is for us to be kind and forgiving to ourselves in order to move forward.

3.     I have been out of my comfort zone!

After going through guilt, self-disappointment and apologies to people, I discovered that I’ve been out of my comfort zone. When you are doing usual things that you are familiar with or working within your limits, you do not make mistakes. I’ve realized that I’ve been doing a lot more taking a lot more responsibilities and working on much more complex projects. That was one of the “uh-ha” moment and I felt grateful to myself for questioning and also grateful for all the opportunities to get me out of my comfort zone so that I can grow.

What it means to really care to talk to someone

Most of the times, I feel that I need to do something big or to become someone in order to be able to do something meaningful or something that matters. But, it makes me really surprised sometimes how very tiny things I do could make someone's day better. 

Lately, I'd been feeling super stressed at work—too many projects on my plate with many competing timelines. I got too stressed that I wanted to take a long break to do 3-6 months of hiking a long distance trail like Appalachian trail or PCT; or leave all these behind and become a recluse or a hippie. I was thinking, "What's the point of all this? We are all screwed anyway, right? I'm not gonna be able to do anything to help anyone, at least not in this world." 

Very luckily for me, in the past two days, I got to leave the office! I was out with an international consultant in a community outside of Yangon to pre-test survey tools. To be able to be out of office for two full days, I worked 13 hours the day before so that I did not have to worry about the deadlines for some other deliverables. 

It is one thing to see tabulated data, and read transcripts of interviews and focus group discussions but it is a whole different story when you really talk to people and get to interact with them in a community. Many of our social research projects are carried out nationwide or in many different parts of the country. It is quite fascinating to learn so much about all these different communities—their diverse ways of life and many different practical issues at community level. 

In the past two days out in the field, all these people we interviewed were super amazing. They were so hospitable to us. They were so generous with their time and they just really wanted to treat us so well regardless of how poor they are. (That is, a family of five, a husband and wife with 3 young children, live on approximately $3 a day.) The house we visited has no furniture. She laid down a mat for us, and asked someone to go buy two bottles of juice for us from a nearby shop. 

They were so happy that we cared to know about their life as we asked so many questions. No matter how humble we were and how down-to-earth we were, our interviewee knew for sure that we came from a very different socio-economic background than hers. Before we took off, the woman said, "It's so lucky that you came here (to her house.) There is no way for me to come across and to be able to interact with such well-educated people like you." 

All we did was stealing 2.5 hours of her time for the day and she was grateful we cared to know about her and her family. A few of her relatives heard that she got guests in her house so they stopped by to see us. We also interviewed a school head of a primary school, who treated us with lunch she cooked and brought for us. She was informed from the township education office that we were visiting her school. 

Even though these people would be considered materially poor, they are rich in love and kindness. They are so happy and content with what they have—they gave me hope and faith in humanity once again. 

Both my colleague and I were so grateful to these people and their heart-warming generosity. In the past two days, on our way back in the car, two of us had so much fun talking about our adventures in the U.S. visiting some beautiful national parks, about people who helped us in our life in great ways, about people who inspire us, about books we read and about what we want to do with our lives.

When we are really open and care to talk to someone or anyone, we can really have meaningful connections with anyone. Isn't it so wonderful? 

On letting go

About a year and half ago, it was a few months after I turned 30, I was about to finish my masters degree and I did not know what to do after graduation because I realized I did not want to be an accountant anymore.

At first, I thought I was just having a cold feet or simply unsure about working such long hours or plainly lazy to study for CPA exams. While all of those could have been quite valid reasons, I might not have the courage to actually change the career track at that point.

Then something happened—a hurtful breakup.

The timing would not be anymore perfect. I was 30, and found myself guilty of doing nothing meaningful, and someone I thought I could probably talk to decided to end things. I felt completely lost.

In the midst of all those brokenness and pains, I made a very questionable decision —a decision to move back to my home country after 10 years living in the U.S. I put together all the pieces of me everywhere and took the flight back home.

An existential crisis and a heartbreak—it wasn't a pretty combination. I was shattered in pieces, literally and metaphorically. Many nights, I cried. It felt like that pain would never go away.

The very good thing about being lost in life and going through a painful breakup is that you questioned your status quo like you would never before. I read a lot and I questioned myself a lot, which felt like I owed to myself for the past 10 years.


With the hardest questions I asked myself and a little bit of education and reading, I was back on track with the career in no time. I found a job that I really love, that I find fulfilling and meaningful in so many ways.

In terms of the heartbreak, I was barely making any progress. But, like everything else in life, I knew that I would not be in that stage forever. It would pass and I would move on no matter what. I knew it was a matter of time. So I waited....

Six months in, still no progress. I was still crying hard. Nine months, still not much difference. I knew I needed to let go and move on but I could not. I thought a day would "eventually come" when I would just forget him and get over with what happened.

And it was a year after since I moved back. I had a conversation with an old friend from NYC. She asked "have you decided to move on?" I could not understand what kind of question it was. My answer was no of course because I did not think that I could "decide", making a conscious choice, to move on.

That was a turning point. I thought about it and made that conscious decision to move on after that conversation. I knew it would not be easy but I decided to make an effort everyday to let go of whatever I was holding on to.

Once after I made that choice to let go, I had become so much happier and free. I thought I was holding onto love. In reality, what I was holding onto was just an ego and a denial to accept the reality - a painful reality that this horrible thing had happened to "ME", someone I cared about left "ME" and "I" cannot do anything to turn that around. I needed to accept that it happened to me and he already made the choice that he thought could be happier for him. Trying to turn that around would simply mean not respecting his choice that suited better for him.

But, after letting go of that ego and starting to accept the reality, what was left was mostly gratitude—sweet memories of that incredible human being and gratitude that I had a wonderful time with him, even though it was not as long as I would have liked it to be.

They say, "Time heals wounds''. I think it is misleading because it makes you think you need to wait. In fact, we can always make a conscious choice to let ourselves heal and be free from the pain we hold onto, right here and now.

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How I was reminded of "half of the population"

I had not been giving many thoughts on the gender equality lately. I thought there were more pressing social issues in our society such as poverty and its associated problems—poor access to food, primary education and basic health care. And I started thinking gender equality was a luxury problem in developed countries like U.S and the western world.

Recently, I was in a remote small town with a work assignment in which we interviewed the township level government officials from various departments and had group discussions with township development committees, community authorities and civil society organizations. All those people we met were in some sort of leadership positions in the town and respective communities, and they were ALL MEN except for the township education officer being a woman.

Even though I have always considered myself a feminist since back to the days I could remember myself, shockingly, I was quite comfortable with witnessing that patriarchal structure in that town. Until the moment came when we asked a question- "half of the population is not represented in your committee, meaning 'women'. Should they not be involved actively?" it hit me quite hard.

Hearing the answers from male leaders was even more painful. They said, "There's no such rule as women cannot participate in the committee. But to be a member, one has to be a respectable and educated member of community with leadership skills. And we do not have such women."

I could not imagine for a woman in a village to join a village authority group, which has always been a "boy club", and to speak up for the issues specific to women in the community.

If the poverty is a pressing issue, in a society in which half of the population doesn't have a voice, that poverty would hurt even harsher on the vulnerable half— 50% of population is NOT negligible in any sense— and the way out of poverty would be harder.

What can you and I do about it?

I think it is not entirely hopeless even for women in the rural communities. As much as I was shocked about myself being oblivious about the matter, I also found hope. One of the men in the group said, "if women are well-educated like you (referring to me), they could of course involve more actively in development projects of the community."

It is hopeful because even though I was the only woman in those discussion groups, even if a few of those men felt that they should encourage their daughter/sister/wife to be more educated and become active members and leaders of their community, it would be a progress. And the same time, I felt that women like us should be more in touch with men and women at the community level.

And we also need help of our brothers, fathers, husbands, male colleagues, male friends and leaders. If we want to see the progress of our society and do not care about "half of the population", what would we care about?

Power of Exercise

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"Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."— Rumi

About a month ago, I signed up 
for a half marathon.  I wanted a little bit of challenge plus a good reason to wake up early and do a regular exercise. 


Today, I finished my second week of training! I knew running/exercising 5 days a week would be pretty tough (almost impossible) since I work 10-12 hours a day ( plus 2 hours drive), and I work on Saturdays and holidays occasionally. I could only go to the gym 2 times a week the most past few months.

As I'm usually exhausted just by working, I wasn't very sure how I could add an exercise to my tight schedule and tiring days. But I decided to add it anyway thinking I would at least try. To fit an hour of exercise to my schedule, I get up 6 am to hit the gym for a run and a bit of workout. That was a bit dramatic change I had to make since I had a hard time getting up at 7:20.

I did have almost regular exercise when I lived in New York but I couldn't really tell how it affected my overall wellbeing. And I did not have a serious and demanding job like I have now so my life in NY was fun and happy no matter what.

I have read and heard about how exercise is good for you. But now, I can feel and tell the difference from my own experience—exercise has been bringing great things to my daily life. Here is what I want to share:

1. I enjoy the tranquility of a new day.
Starting the day early in the morning has been refreshing. It is the only time I get to see calmness of Yangon without heavy traffic. That tranquility gives me an extra boost to tackle my long day ahead with full energy.

2. Exercise improves mind control.
I did not have to make an effort to enjoy running when I ran by the East River in NY, because I just loved it. But here, I have to make conscious efforts to overcome the mental discomforts.

Every time I start running on the treadmill, I cannot wait to get it over with. I don't like the discomfort in the first 5 minutes of run. The first few minutes are always the hardest since my body gets suddenly interrupted with fast movements.

I've been realizing that my mental reaction to the discomfort and tiredness is much more unbearable than the real physical discomfort. The moment I start overcoming my mental reaction and start enjoying the steps, I am much more comfortable with the whole movements.

And I think I'm getting better each time with the mind control and effort.

3. I feel accomplished.
I'm sure everyone agrees to feeling positive at the end of hard workout or running session. I don't exactly know what the science is inside my body after the workout. But, mentally, I feel really really great at the end of each run or exercise.

My mood usually starts out with 'Oh I have to do this again." ...."Oh my god it's not even one third of my goal distance". I keep looking at the screen of my treadmill and counting every second and every .01 km change. ( Yeah I know I'm mental.) Then slowly, my mood gets improved with the effort I mentioned above. At the end, I feel so accomplished "Oh god, I DID IT!" It's priceless.

4. I feel positive.
It was way easier to be optimistic when living in NY. It is a place where your dreams come true; all the great energies and positivities of its people are circulating in that city.

From where I live now and what I'm learning through findings from my social research and also seeing things around, it has been challenging for me to stay positive and optimistic.

I know it might sound exaggerating but when you could overcome some small things and difficulties — even discomfort of exercise — you start feeling much more hopeful. You feel that you CAN DO it, and you can overcome challenges, just one step at a time, and accomplish many more great things!

The Struggle with Learning to Be Selfless

I want to live serving others or so I thought—even if it is as smallest thing as reducing the selfishness within me. That's what I have decided to live for and thought it's meaningful.

It all sounds good and it has made me feel good about myself or feel significant for my insignificant existence in this world.

To put my intentions into actions, I made a deliberate and conscious choice to become a social researcher at a research firm. I believed I needed to learn about people at grassroots level if I want to help the majority, the underprivileged.

I've been exposed to overwhelming amount of information, facts, narratives of common people in my country.

I've been really overwhelmed knowing about their struggles for simple basic things like water and food. However, the most shocking thing is not how poor they are or how so few choices they have—it is the fact that nothing is new.

I have read and seen those things in other parts of the world or different times in the history.

Lets look at the world we are living. We are living in a world where the wealth of top 85 equals the poorest half of the world; masses are being ripped off opportunities or being systematically enslaved by their choices being limited; the society is enormously stratified; we are reading news about shooting innocent children in schools,gang raping, cooperate exploitation.

All those crimes and injustice have happened over and over throughout the history. Only the context is different depending on the situations surrounding that particular era. The very basic human nature is the same—the will to power and the hunger for more.

I sometimes wonder if the humanity is doomed, and if it's worth fighting for a losing battle.

When I look at myself, I'm still not very sure if I want to serve others because I want it from the bottom of my heart or, it merely comes from this egoistic hunger for more, a desire to believe that I'm better as "I" live for a noble cause.

As much as I want to deny it with all my power, the latter seems to be true.

I have no way of knowing until circumstances come for me to make choices that are against my self interests. It is much easier for me to think about the ideals while I don't really have any big moral challenges or forces that could push me against.

It is quite comforting to intellectualize about how the world should be than really changing the world.

But, when there is a chance, do I have the courage to fight against all the forces that are against me? Am I gonna be frail at some point? Am I gonna get tired of trying? Or is it really meaningful at all fighting a losing battle?

Then I saw this:
"Naive, dreaming Adam. He who would do battle with the many-headed hydra of human nature must pay a world of pain & his family must pay it along with him! & only as you gasp your dying breath shall you understand, your life amounted to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean!"

"Yet what is any ocean but a multitude of drops?"
- David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas

Maybe one drop is nothing in a limitless ocean. But those rare few people who believe in an ocean filled with a multitude of drops are ones who give so many of us hope. Every time we are hungry, thirsty, lonely, sick, hurt, or broken, it is their act of kindness and love, and their conscious and consistent effort to heal all these wounded souls that makes a huge difference to us.

Maybe we should join them so they don't feel that the whole universe is against them.