I've been feeling quite proud and a bit overconfident because I
thought that I was now mature and I took responsibilities for my mistakes. I
was no longer afraid to apologize first unlike I was in the not-so-far
past.
But I was wrong
about myself.
I accept at the
superficial level that I am not perfect and I could make mistakes. But, in
reality, it is not always easy to accept that I have limitations.
Especially it is harder when things have been going well on my favor. And that's when I lose
sight of myself.
About a week ago, I was blamed by a very important client for failure to
communicate an important technical aspect of project. In normal circumstances,
I could have been able to handle it like a mature responsible person. But I was
not. I felt trapped and felt like a 5 year old kid who did something wrong. And
worst, I did act like a 5 year old kid—I tried to escape from the blame so I
gave excuses that it was not my fault.
I felt terrible after that because I’m in charge of the project
and not in that sort of position to not take responsibilities for my own
mistake. Even after I fixed the situation right away and did a damage control, I
was in a big emotional trauma. I could not forgive myself and could not sleep the whole night.
A week after, I made another mistake again—I failed to communicate to my boss, chief technical officer, about another important technical aspect of the same project.
A couple of people including the CTO were disappointed with me. I felt terrible
again but this time, I had recovered quickly. I did not dwell on my mistake so
long. I apologized to the team very quickly and I admitted that it was my fault.
On my way back home, I thought about why I’ve been making big
mistakes twice in a row within a week. Even though I apologized quickly in the
second time, I was feeling very uneasy. Then I realized that I learned
incredible lessons from these mistakes. Within one week, I feel that I've become grown and
personally expanded.
Here is what I learned:
1. I was reminded of my own limitations.
When things
were going well, I could not see myself where I actually was and where I still
needed to improve. Only after I made mistakes, did I understand about my own limitations. Facing our own
weaknesses and limitations could be quite scary, but without facing them and
accepting them, we cannot expand and grow as a person. I will never be a
perfect human being since perfection does not exist. I think that one of the
most amazing things about life is learning about our own imperfections and
continuously trying to fix them in order to become a better person. I think it
is an incredible process and a wonderful journey!
2. Importance of forgiveness
There are two ways for us to feel pain. One is caused by external
events or people, which is out of our control. The other is caused by our own reaction
to that external pain, in other words, our self-inflicted pain. It was already
painful to learn about my own limitations. I made it worse by feeling really
guilty about it. I could not forgive myself for several hours. Then I really
made an effort to forgive myself. I learned how important it is for us to be
kind and forgiving to ourselves in order to move forward.
3. I have been out of my comfort zone!
