At first, I thought I was just having a cold feet or simply unsure about working such long hours or plainly lazy to study for CPA exams. While all of those could have been quite valid reasons, I might not have the courage to actually change the career track at that point.
Then something happened—a hurtful breakup.
The timing would not be anymore perfect. I was 30, and found myself guilty of doing nothing meaningful, and someone I thought I could probably talk to decided to end things. I felt completely lost.
In the midst of all those brokenness and pains, I made a very questionable decision —a decision to move back to my home country after 10 years living in the U.S. I put together all the pieces of me everywhere and took the flight back home.
An existential crisis and a heartbreak—it wasn't a pretty combination. I was shattered in pieces, literally and metaphorically. Many nights, I cried. It felt like that pain would never go away.
The very good thing about being lost in life and going through a painful breakup is that you questioned your status quo like you would never before. I read a lot and I questioned myself a lot, which felt like I owed to myself for the past 10 years.
With the hardest questions I asked myself and a little bit of education and reading, I was back on track with the career in no time. I found a job that I really love, that I find fulfilling and meaningful in so many ways.
In terms of the heartbreak, I was barely making any progress. But, like everything else in life, I knew that I would not be in that stage forever. It would pass and I would move on no matter what. I knew it was a matter of time. So I waited....
Six months in, still no progress. I was still crying hard. Nine months, still not much difference. I knew I needed to let go and move on but I could not. I thought a day would "eventually come" when I would just forget him and get over with what happened.
And it was a year after since I moved back. I had a conversation with an old friend from NYC. She asked "have you decided to move on?" I could not understand what kind of question it was. My answer was no of course because I did not think that I could "decide", making a conscious choice, to move on.
That was a turning point. I thought about it and made that conscious decision to move on after that conversation. I knew it would not be easy but I decided to make an effort everyday to let go of whatever I was holding on to.
Once after I made that choice to let go, I had become so much happier and free. I thought I was holding onto love. In reality, what I was holding onto was just an ego and a denial to accept the reality - a painful reality that this horrible thing had happened to "ME", someone I cared about left "ME" and "I" cannot do anything to turn that around. I needed to accept that it happened to me and he already made the choice that he thought could be happier for him. Trying to turn that around would simply mean not respecting his choice that suited better for him.
But, after letting go of that ego and starting to accept the reality, what was left was mostly gratitude—sweet memories of that incredible human being and gratitude that I had a wonderful time with him, even though it was not as long as I would have liked it to be.
They say, "Time heals wounds''. I think it is misleading because it makes you think you need to wait. In fact, we can always make a conscious choice to let ourselves heal and be free from the pain we hold onto, right here and now.
