I had it. Did I?

"Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.'' - Khalil Gibran

I often struggle with "I lost this thing; I missed this opportunity; I lost this person''. People say ''Get over it and move on; Let go and don't waste your time.'' It is much easier said than done. In reality, when I lost something or someone, I just feel as if this is it, I feel lost and hopeless. Often times, I hardly know what are appropriate actions to take in order to overcome those depressing times. I know there are a bunch of self-help guides out there but most of the times, they just guide me to get 'distracted' from what I am feeling.

Sooner or later, I do bounce back from sadness, obstacles or great loss, no matter how big the loss is. However, I don't want to leave it at that. I want to understand how I bounce back each and every time, what I learn and how I continue living after a loss of any kind. How do I let go every time?

So I gave it a thought and reflected on my losses and my 'reactions' towards those losses. Often times, I put limitations on all the things I want and set the condition for my happiness - I 'have to' have this; I have to do this; I want to be with this person. Otherwise, I am incomplete; there is 'no better' thing out there for me. There is no other options or opportunities out there. There is no other way for me to be happy without this particular someone. As much as each thing, opportunity and person are unique and important to me in different ways at different times, I have been defining myself attached with all those things and love and care of the other person that were offered to me as gifts. That's the reason why I felt as if a part of me lost with someone or I lost something I owned, and thus, that made me become incomplete as a person or deprived of an ownership of certain things.

There is the moment I finally realized that I do not have or own anything or anyone. Once I realized that, it's a great relief that I can't lose what I never had. In fact, I've just been so lucky to be offered things to use; offered care and love of people; offered many opportunities to pursue my dreams; offered chances to experience great moments of my life. I know it is much more difficult to think that way when you bought a house worth millions of dollars and spent a life together with someone for 30-40 years or even more.

I continued questioning myself if I invest a lot more money or time in a property or a person, do I get to own it or him or her? If I gave a lot, I must be entitled to ownership, isn't it reasonable? I'm afraid the answer is 'No'. Then what's the use of money or intellectual effort or emotional investment or time? Money was created to use for efficiency in exchanging things among us so that we can all share and enjoy all the gifts our mother Earth provides us. However, problem arises when some of us want more than others. Mother nature blessed us with capability to learn, love and care for others so that we can fully enjoy our limited time on earth. However, we want to exchange those gifts for ownership of more things, love and care. I know this is too idealistic. Still, I will try one bit at a time. I will learn to be more grateful for all the gifts I'm offered, and giving more and sharing my gifts with others. Every time, I feel I lost something or someone, I will just ask myself “Did I?’’

A New Beginning...

Once the plane touched down the ground, after nearly 26 hours of travel in the air, I was quite nervous and all the questions came into my head:
"Am I stupid or what?"
"Why did I do this? I had such a great life in New York....''
"Did I make the biggest mistake in my life by making this stupid move?''

Then, I had to fight myself back, telling myself "there's an exciting new project and a happy family waiting for me. it's worth the shot. I'm gonna be fine. hey, didn't I want a change? here I have it, grab it and make the most of it...!"

And the GOOD news is that I no longer need to take the CPA exam!!! :D

The Gods envy us...

"The gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal. Because any moment might be our last. Everything's more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again." 

-Achilles, Troy

I just watched Troy again recently. I love that quote by Achilles. (That's probably in Homer's Iliad.) Not surprisingly, I love those heros, Hector and Achilles. Yes, sure, they killed thousands but fought for honor, and lived fully for the moment and made the most out of it. They lived fearless. Life without fears must be very liberating. And they had respect for each other, and were still kind and compassionate deep down. It was just very beautiful. :)

First time, I saw that movie, I thought it was all fighting and killing. I still don't like the fighting and killing part. Apparently, that's what they do back in those days. We are still battling to this very day. We are all still fighting mentally for self-validation, self-importance, control, our image to others, security etc. Never ending battles....Not every one has the true courage to conquer their own battles. We get defeated one way or the other because of our own ignorance and insecurity. Ignorance that we will be here for a long time, all these beautiful things around us will be also here for us forever. We often miss to live in this very moment, which is the most beautiful of all.

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.''

In that moment you were there, it didn't matter whether I was in the most beautiful place in the world, whether day or night, whether I had a bad day, whether anyone noticed how amazing I felt. It didn't even matter whether I would have ten thousand more moments like that. That's how happy I was, in that moment, having you to talk with, feeling your gentle touch and sharing a tender kiss. I'm so happy and grateful, I had that moment.

- Photos stolen from Minh :) 

Moment of Inspiration from "Lean In"

I have been in the longest slump of my life. I used to be very ambitious and driven, and believed that anything was possible even when all odds were against me.

First and foremost problem was that I started having doubts about myself and my abilities, giving excuses about all the external situations starting from not going to an Ivy league to not being on top of my graduation class in college. Of course, I didn't have clear goals that would drive me to study harder. I was unsure if it was even worth to bother trying anything. Then I just went on my life as 'wherever' it took me. I really didn't have any goals or ambitions after I graduated from college. Not a great start. I did manage to find a job in NY. Then I was working with a very strong woman, who was my direct supervisor, CFO of the company and she is an E&Y alum. She inspired me very much and I decided to pursue an accounting career.

I enrolled at Baruch College for MS Accounting. I was very excited in the beginning but then during  a job search, I started having doubts again. I found myself in the middle of all those other fellow graduate students competing to get into BIG 4 accounting firms. Then I realized that all those people did not care about anything but having "BIG 4" name attached to their resumes, getting a high-paid job and having a 'status'. I asked myself if any of those matters to me. I did not want to be one of those people. And also when I looked into those institutions, I found out that a bunch of women in entry level positions, and less and less women as it goes up to the higher up positions. At the very top management level, partners at accounting firms are dominated heavily by men.

Then I really was not sure that it was worth pursuing. I started thinking that I would just work enough to live a fun life with friends in NYC and to travel the world whenever I could. I would not try to get myself tied down with pursuing a career that seems to be meaningless and not going anywhere. So I actively pursued all the fun I could afford in NYC and had been having an awesome time.

Then a couple of months ago, a friend of mine asked me if I think modern corporate America has any barriers for women to pursue their careers equally as men. He said he doubt it but he has seen many articles that women are complaining about inequality in workforce. I gave it a thought and I do not have enough knowledge about environments in Corporate America. But, I did notice that a lot of women drop out of pursuing their careers once they start raising families. Then, my question is whether these women 'happily chose' to stop pursuing their careers or they gave up because they did not think that the career was worth pursuing because it's all dominated by men at the top.

I just started reading Sheryl Sandberg's "Lean In" and it inspires me in so many ways and gives me a lot of thoughts. Well she said it's a 'chicken and egg' problem. The institutions have unspoken/unwritten barriers for women to further their careers. More and more opportunities are likely to be given to men because men are believed to stay and further their careers in the organization. This, in turn, discourages women to even expect or aspire to try to even pursue their careers further because they do not think that it is worth it so they just decided to run home and raise their children.

I was very lucky enough to be born and raised in a family that treated me equally as my brother although my mom was more traditional in that sense. Both my parents made me believe that anything was possible regardless of me being a girl. However, I was repeatedly told by my mom that I should not get married because I'd become a successful woman one day and NO SUCCESSFUL/GOOD MAN would want a successful woman. She said I would only get one of those worthless men who want to 'depend on women'. I did not know how to take that advice back then. But since I was 15-16 years old, I was worried whether I could become a successful woman AND marry a good man AND become a good mom/wife. I thought that was too much to ask for and I thought that I could not 'have it ALL." The boys never had to worry about these things. They just pursue whatever they want and life favorably takes care of them whatever they wish to pursue.

A lot of times, I thought that it would be 'selfish' of me to choose to work while I should be taking care of my family/kids at one point in my life. Men would never think that it's 'selfish' of them to work and have their wives take care of the family. I knew from my own experience how great it was to have a stay-home mom who took care of us full-time. But I did not think why I "EXPECT" that care from my mom instead of from my dad and/or from both. I myself 'accepted' that women should be this and men should be that.

I did not understand up until I read "Lean In" why we, women, have to worry about these things. Well it is all because we have been living in a society that men and women are treated differently and expected differently. I forgot the fact that modern men do not have to go hunt to find food and feed the family, and protect the family from wild animals. Nonetheless, women remain to be expected to take care of the family at home.

If we want an equal world where men and women are treated equally, change has to come 'within us'. Each and everyone of us must believe that women could aspire to pursue ANY life goals, and should 'expect' and be given 'equal' choices and opportunities as men regarding education, career, family and all. That way, we will be able to change institutions to provide equal opportunities for those women who "choose'' to pursue their dreams and goals within those institutions and beyond...